Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
