i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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