Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
