how can u be prego again
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
