my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
