i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
