There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
