hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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