I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
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