I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
