cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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