Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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