It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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