____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i out mim tonsoeep
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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