he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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