Sry I called you an 8
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
