U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
