i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
