I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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