you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
wrigley field is MILF paradise
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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