Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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