i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
