I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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