id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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