Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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