I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize