I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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