Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
