Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
