I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize