Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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