Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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