he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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