My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
