and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
