i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize