JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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