I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
