The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
