they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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