I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
