dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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