paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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