Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
