Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
