I will die if light touches me.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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