It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
