You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
