does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
