I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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