at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize