So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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