It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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