all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Randomize