Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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