The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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