ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
