Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
