went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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