And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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