Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
