I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I need a beard to bite.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
