around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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