Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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