She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
