I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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